"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, Dream, Discover." –Mark Twain. One of my colleagues has this as her e-mail signature quote.
"You not a leader cuz they follow you on Twitter
And you not a man based upon your age and your gender
If you die tonight you'll probably die a boy chasing toys
Objectifying these women thinkin' they gon' bring you joy
Don't you want more than last night's bragging rights?" -- "No Regrets" by Lecrae
What does it mean to regret? Well, I can regret not doing something, which is what the Mark Twain quote talks about, or I can regret having done something, which the Lecrae quote refers to. I may wish I had done something, or I may wish I had not done something. In my life, I have examples of both. I wish that I had not made the mistake that I made at the end of 2008. I wonder what life would be like now if I hadn't. Even though I have moved on, and grown, I can't help thinking "what if?" from time to time. Those thoughts hit me about once a month now, which is a lot better than it was 5 years ago when I dwelt on it daily. It's hard to confess, but I want to put it out there, that once a month or so I regret not taking advantage of opportunities I had in college to physically pursue female friends of mine. I know that's hard to hear, and it's hard for me to say, but there is a point to saying it. Again, it's much more infrequent.
I began this blog with the intent to use it to glorify God. I glorify Him through what I learn in His Word. I also glorify Him through what He has done in my life. I want to illustrate just how much He changed my heart, and renews it daily. My greatest spiritual battles have always been on the field of desire. It has taken years for me to align my desires with the desires God has for me. I learned the hard way that He is right, I am wrong, and how to deal with it. God took my shameful, evil, lustful desires, and He gave me a desire for Him, His Word, and my wife.
For so long I truly believed I would be single forever. Sure, I hoped I'd find a wife, but I really didn't live a lifestyle that showed others that I believed it. I continued acting upon my desires as long as they didn't cross over into physical territory that I would regret telling my wife about one day. Even then, I slipped up more times than I should have. One in particular. I do regret having done as much as I did. There was forgiveness and grace, but it cost me a dear friendship. I won't go into detail, obviously, but Bethany knows about my history. That incident happened in 2006. The next incident I will mention happened in 2010, just four years later. This incident shows how God changed my heart, and He gets the glory. In 2010, around my birthday, a dear female friend of mine threw herself at me. By the grace of God, and the thought of my future wife, I was able to say no even though it was extremely hard. I didn't even know who Bethany New was at that time, but God had laid my wife on my heart in 2009 as part of my growth. That carried me through that situation and a few more situations with that same girl.
By the grace of God, I can look into Bethany's eyes with very few regrets. I can be thankful that God spared me from the worst. I have experienced pure forgiveness and grace from God and Bethany, and that gives me great courage to continue serving both of them. I am thankful that the regrets I mentioned before come more and more infrequently, and I pray they cease to bother me altogether. Now, when sinful desires arise, they drive me closer to God for protection. They will also drive me closer to my gorgeous wife. Twelve days left before the wedding. I am stoked beyond words or belief! I do not deserve a woman like Bethany. I deserve to be left to my own sordid desires that would ultimately lead me eternally away from God. I am so thankful that He loves me enough to spare me, cleanse me, and strengthen my hands to keep fighting. I give Him all honor and glory for the man I am today. I hope the growth continues, and I can't wait to see the man I will become.
*Sorry for the highlighting. I don't know how to get rid of it.*
For the Kingdom,
Stuart L. Kingsley
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