Singleness...
I've sat through the sermons. I've heard the stories. I've given God all the glory. Every single person will tell you that their singleness is a blessing. Every single person will tell you it sucks to be single. I sat there as a single man with all of my married friends speaking into me with tones I took as condescending (I know they were just trying to be nice. I was the jerk.) Yesterday I put my singleness to death.
Singleness does have it's own inherent value. Obviously, I needed to be single for 28 years. I had a lot of growing to do. Heck, I still have a lot of growing to do! I won't be done growing until I die, and then I will spend eternity growing even more. That's the beauty of life though, even eternal life. We get to grow. We get that joy of learning new things. When you're single, you get to know who you are. You learn about yourself. You learn about who God is to you, and what your life looks like through His eyes. I learned how I truly needed a Savior, and that took me 23 years! I learned that my life is not my own. It took God closing all of the doors I wanted to run through, and opening some I was scared to walk through. He got me to the point where I have to solely rely on His provision. And that is the beautiful thing. He is Worthy. He is the only One who is. God also showed me that He is to be feared. He showed me that He has the final say in everything. He can take things away, He can kill me when He wants to, etc. Make no mistake, God is worthy of fear, awe, and respect. Through His Word He told me several times, "I'm God. Shut up." I love that though. He also told me that He loves me, and He wants me in His presence. He adopted me, and He wants me to be a co-heir with His Son. Me, a wretch who earned wrath, a co-heir with the Son who took all of that wrath on Himself undeservedly. Oh, I got to know who I am. I got to know who God is. I got to know who God is to me, and what my life looks like through His eyes.
These past two weeks I had a decision to make. Do I get engaged? Do I pursue a marriage with this woman I've fallen in love with? It isn't just the engagement. Sure, who wouldn't want to be engaged? You get to show off a pretty ring, and everyone is happy. I saw the outpouring of love and congratulations firsthand on Facebook and via text and phone calls. April 10, 2014, was a great day! Now it's April 11. I didn't ask Bethany New to be my fiancee. I asked her to be my wife. I asked her to marry me, not just engage me. I knew that one act would mean the death of my singleness. For a man, autonomy is important. (I know that is an understatement) Still, I felt God telling me I was ready. It took 28 years. Twenty-eight long years! But looking into her eyes yesterday...28 years felt like a brief moment.
I hated when God moved me back home to Jonesboro. I reluctantly went back to Community Bible Church. I threw tantrums. But now I'm plugged into Community, and I'm happy and growing. Moving back home meant moving 10 minutes away from the woman I plan to marry (I just didn't know it 2 years ago). You get to a point (many points) in life where you look at God and say "Daw, you did it again!" and He just smiles. I've written blog posts about Habakkuk 1:5 before, and God just smiles when He shows me those moments that I wouldn't have believed had He told me about them 2 years ago. When I sat in Sunday School with Bethany last year the farthest thing on my mind was for my ring to be on her finger. Seriously, it's mind-blowing. One of the first things that led to me being with Bethany was her Christmas gift to me. She put Habakkuk 1:5 into a nice font with a nice background and framed it for me. God does things like that :) I honestly have no idea what my future holds after May. I mean, I have a plan, but God could change that in a moment with one e-mail or phone call. No, these past two weeks have been all about Bethany :)
About two weeks ago I drove to meet with Bethany's father to ask his permission to marry Bethany. It was a Tuesday around 4:30pm. As I was driving North on I-75 from Exit 212 I passed Bethany and her mom. I knew that her mom would take her home first, but I was heading to the parents' house. As a man, the conversation is supposed to be man to man with the father. So, I waved and hit the gas! I-75 and I-675 split. I-675 is quicker to the parents' house, and I-75 is quicker to Bethany's house, so I knew they would take 75. I took 675. I hit the red light at the end of the exit ramp, and Bethany and her mother pull up right behind me! They knew what was up, especially when I turned into the parents' neighborhood. Again, God loves irony with me. So I spent about an hour talking with Bethany's parents. I got their permission and blessing. It became very real.
That Friday I bought an engagement ring. It got even more real! Fortunately, I had to wait for it to be delivered, or I may have proposed a lot sooner! Then I don't see Bethany for a week. I got to spend that week soul-searching. When she came back, my mind was already made up. I had a very important question to ask her. I just worried about when and how. I realized that we speak so much about waiting for God that we forget He waits for us sometimes too. I felt God telling me "I'm waiting for you now, kid!"
This past Tuesday I helped Bethany plant flowers in her yard. This past Wednesday I mowed her lawn. I love that she invests in her home, and since I wanted to marry her, I knew I needed to start investing too. Thursday I brought the ring with me to her house as we were planning to eat a nice lunch together then go to the Braves game. I didn't know how to do it, or when to do it, all I knew was that I wanted to ask her to marry me. Around 1pm I got up to check the timer for the fish/veggie bake. The timer read 27 minutes. I felt like there was no better time than the present. I didn't want to sit on the couch next to my girlfriend anymore. I didn't want to date her anymore. I wanted to sit on the couch next to my fiancee. I wanted to marry her. So, I just got down on one knee while she was on the couch with her iPad. I rendered her speechless. I could tell it shocked her. She eventually said yes though :) Then I had a nice lunch with my fiancee. Then I took my fiancee to a Braves game.
Eventually I won't have to say goodnight/see you later anymore, but it's just something I will have to endure for now. It's hard being apart from the person you want to join yourself to for the rest of your life. Even in the time I do have away from her, I'm writing about her :) And I'm on my way out the door to be with her :)
So, singleness is dead. It's time is over. Parts of it I will miss, and parts I won't. Now begins the story of Stuart and Bethany together. I'll still need God (more than ever!) but now I get to learn who Bethany New is. I get to learn who I am through her eyes. I get to experience what God wants to use our marriage for. I know that I will not get out of this alive, and I don't want to. There are now new challenges to face, but I am ready to go through them because I won't have to go through them alone. I feel I've been blessed with a solid group of guys around me, and I pray that those relationships grow. We have two supportive families behind us as well. Even though it took 28 years, I feel life is just beginning. I'm scared, excited, nervous, and joyful all at the same time. I'm not perfect, but God is. My life is His and my life is hers. Stay tuned :)
For the Kingdom
-- Stuart L. Kingsley
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