WoW. It truly has been a whole month since I have last written. Allow me to explain:
The first week of March was spent in Bartlesville, Oklahoma, which turned out to be a lot of fun. I work with great people in the Great American Conference, and the city of Bartlesville threw everything they had into making it a great week for all of us. I cannot thank them enough.
The second week of March I got to go back to Georgia to see friends and family. I loved that week! I miss Watkinsville First Baptist Church so much it hurts. I miss the friends I had, the adults I could look up to, and the children I could lead. The welcome I received from my Fight Club brothers was worth the 9hr drive by itself. It really highlighted all that I have been missing here in Arkansas spiritually.
The last two weeks of March passed in relative silence here in Arkansas. Given the short length of time that I planned to be out here, it was very hard for me to try to get involved somewhere. It still is. Now that it's April, and my time with the GAC is over May 8, I have entered 'survival mode' in the sense that I'm just trying to get through a day at a time to get to the next step.
I believe this is a huge failure on my part. Boldness, attack, aggressiveness, initiative, etc. are not my normal personality settings. When I am around bold people, I become bold. When I see a problem, I attack. When I am told to do something, I do it. When I seek out opportunities, and am stymied, I am quick to get discouraged. Believe me, no one is more aware of my faults and imperfections than myself.
Two weeks of inactivity, and being left alone with my thoughts, is not very healthy for me. I also went the better part of those two weeks without my main addiction, Coca-Cola. It was a good time. Unfortunately, I hit "the sauce" again Thursday and have relatively drowned myself these past few days. I know I need to stop, and I think that I will be able to let it go again since it has become clear to me that I feel better without it than I do with it. Addictions suck. I can be thankful that I am not addicted to heavier things, but at the same time it's still slavery to something that isn't my Savior.
Speaking of my Savior, He rode into Jerusalem on a donkey about two thousand years ago. We take this day to remember and celebrate that. "Hosanna!" "Yay!", but in a week it will be "Crucify Him!". How fickle we are! How fickle I am! I may not be screaming "Crucify Him!", but I nail Him to that cross every day and night by my actions. My sins put Him on that cross. He didn't have to die for me. I don't deserve it. I did not ask for it. I honestly did not know or care. He died for me while I was yet a sinner. He did it because He loves me. (Romans 5:8) Most of the time, I do not even love myself. I have done some cool things in my life, things that I can be proud of, but that doesn't mean I love myself. Since I do not love myself, I do not expect others to love me. I have lived so much of my life serving others that I honestly do not care what happens to me. If I die alone and in obscurity, so be it. I ultimately want my life to reflect Christ and His Kingdom here on earth. I know that when I get to Heaven, I'll probably muck out stables in His Kingdom. Still, when the King is good, the people are happy :)
Given that, I have been doing a lot of thinking about legacies, writings, etc. As I read God's Word, I see ordinary people placed in extraordinary situations, and by the grace of God they prevail. These people were not perfect, but everything points to God's glory. I wonder how much of my life points to God's glory. Right now, it probably doesn't. Whether I am in a great mood, or a dark mood; whether I love myself, or hate myself; God is still on His throne. He was on His throne before He created me, and He will be on His throne for eternity. I make no difference. I read the letters of Paul, which comprise most of the New Testament, and even then we only get a glimpse of a few days of Paul's life where he actually put pen to paper. We weren't there on the days where he was pissed off. We weren't there on the days where he just sat and made a tent. All we know of him are the words he put on paper. He could have lied, he could have exaggerated the truth, we cannot know. We take it on faith. God showed me the importance of writing things down a few years ago, and despite my imperfections and failures I try to do so. It may not be as flowery as Paul's writings, but I do what I can. I shock myself at my brutality and honesty in my journal. Not everything in that journal makes it on here, and vice versa.
I read the Gospels, and we only see a few glimpses of a few days in the life of Jesus. I read all four accounts of the Triumphal Entry today, and what if the 'crowds' shouting "Hosanna!" were just 10-20 people. What if the "triumph" was scoffed at by casual onlookers. Because of writing, we understand it to be a huge event. In either case, Jesus fulfilled the prophecy of entering Jerusalem on a donkey. A week later, He hung on a cross for our sins. This just goes to show that His divine plan will be fulfilled regardless of what we think of it! There is a God, we rebelled against Him, He loves us and died for us, and regardless of what you may think He is coming back. This is just the way it is. Whatever counter arguments, rationales, etc. they do not matter. He was born, He lived, He allowed Himself to be murdered, and HE ROSE AGAIN! He is coming back. He does not need my permission to be God. I love Habakkuk 2:20 "But the Lord is in His holy temple; let all the earth keep silence before Him." I love that God is the One saying that. He is God...shut up! He loves you...shut up! He died for you...shut up! He came back for you...shut up! It blows my mind.
It floors me that no matter what mood I am in, I cannot *not* believe in Him. Renouncing Him is impossible for me. I may not feel saved, or I may not be a useful part of the Kingdom, but at the same time I believe with every part of me that He is real. I cannot eloquently put my finger on it at times, but He is still God. He is still on His throne. He will reign eternally. You decide what you will do about it. Hosanna.
For the Kingdom,
Stuart Kingsley
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