God doesn't give me more than I can handle. He wants me to run to Him. Whatever trials He puts in front of me drive me closer to Him. Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Bring It On" comes to mind. God has the ability to remove people from my life so that I will focus on Him. I find that sadistic (LoL). I'd be the villain if I removed people from someone's life so they would focus on me. God is God though, and He truly knows what is best. So, why is He showing me what I so desperately want? There is no step-by-step solution to obtaining anything from Him. I'd like to believe I could accomplish a checklist, but that checklist is The Law, and I failed...epically. God reveals so many double standards in my life. By seeking an earthly relationship I tell Him that my relationship with Him is not sufficient. I am a whore. If you don't believe that you're a whore too, read the book of Hosea. God loves us, and is sufficient, but we constantly stray and give ourselves to something or someone else. God is not just sufficient, He is abundant! I should not be content to just get by comfortably. I want more of Him. As I read His Word, I want more. Matthew 6:33 tells me that I should seek Him first before I get all of these good blessings. I should NOT seek Him SO THAT I can get blessings. If I'm seeking Him fully then everything else becomes a "nice-to-have", but is still expendable compared to knowing Him. Nothing else will satisfy me. Money, a wife, a nice house, car, et al. will not satisfy me. I want that abandon. I want to lose myself in Him. I want to face 300 enemies and have fire from Heaven consume them. I want to kill 1000 enemies with my stick (hah!) I want to fiercely and passionately love my wife because God is flowing through me. I can see it. I can feel it. I have tasted it. I want it. I want to be so full of the Spirit that it destroys me utterly. Like Rand al'Thor (In the Wheel of Time series) filling himself with the One Power to the point of near destruction. I want the light in me to kill the darkness. I cannot defeat sin on my own. Only He can. Only He did. I only need Him. I went back and re-read Romans 6. Romans 6:21 applies to me in very personal ways: "But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those is death." I love when Scripture applies to me even if it's a swift kick in the pants. The fruit I bear now, however, leads to sanctification (Romans 6:22). I strive to bear the right fruit now even though it's a slow process.
Well, I've caught up on my journal so far. I wish I could go into more detail about just how personal all of this is to me, but I think you get the picture without my going into so much detail. I have lived almost 26 years on this earth, and I have had so many experiences. As Scripture brings them to light, I hope to share them with you so that you may be encouraged as well. Until next time, friends.
For the Kingdom,
Stuart
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